Where's *My* Security Clearance?

While at work, imagine I decide to do the following:

I approach a co-worker and ask him to come with me to a room to help me fix the air conditioner. Once in the room, I then jump up and grab my colleague around the neck and try to get his scrub pants off of him.

My colleague struggles with me for a few minutes before he manages to fight me off.

He reports the incident to the authorities, and an investigator interviews me.

I deny that I had attempted to rape him, but admit that I had gone too far with him, and I sign a statement to that effect.

In the document, I state that I "admit that I pulled his scrub pants" and that I asked him, "What do you have behind there?"

I also say that I "made a mistake and it was stupid," according to the document.

So, what effect to you think my actions would have on my employment situation? Well, if my employer is the State Department, None.Whatsoever.

Not only would I not be investigate for physically assaulting a colleague, I'd also get to keep my security clearance. 'Cause what better indicator that one is worthy of being entrusted with a security clearance than the fact that one doesn't have enough self-control to function in the most banal of circumstances.

The Department of Justice and the State Department, ladies and gentlemen: Brimming with competence and mucking up our country, one bad decision at a time.