College Student Steals Catholic God, Keeps It Hostage in Ziploc Bag

Photo by meg price

Buddha on an Eucharist, the Webster Cook story is wrong on so many levels it's hard not to get the vapors just cataloguing the wackaloonery.

Here's one of those levels; see if it rings any bells.

A real, live human, of the college student variety, is assaulted because of a magical clump of doughy cells. The student, while inside a church, is jumped from behind and physically attacked by a church leader for not properly handling a bit of biscuit.

Apparently, some people, like the Ninja church members, hold a personal belief that after a magic moment involving a blessing, a biscuit becomes an actual person. [Just like with the 9 months process of human gestation and the belief in the magic singularity that is the sacred sperm.] (emphasis mine):

"When I received the Eucharist, my intention was to bring it back to my seat to show him," Cook said. "I took about three steps from the woman distributing the Eucharist and someone grabbed the inside of my elbow and blocked the path in front of me. At that point I put it in my mouth so they'd leave me alone and I went back to my seat and I removed it from my mouth."

A church leader was watching, confronted Cook and tried to recover the sacred bread. Cook said she crossed the line and that's why he brought it home with him.

"She came up behind me, grabbed my wrist with her right hand, with her left hand grabbed my fingers and was trying to pry them open to get the Eucharist out of my hand," Cook said, adding she wouldn't immediately take her hands off him despite several requests.

The University's response: Apologize to the attacker (you know, how you do when the perpetrator is a member of a sect religious organization you're subsidizing to the tune of 40K) and post armed guards to defend the body-biscuit to the bitter end.

Or until the next available believer shoves the succulent body into his/her mouth and digests it. Whichever comes first.