Monday, April 09, 2007

Announcing Birth Control Breakthrough

Ladies and gentlemen, do I have an exclusive for you. I can finally reveal what I've been working on all this time.

It gives me great pleasure to introduce you to my life's work, a new method of birth control, created to benefit humanity, and fully backed (*cough* mo-ney *cough*) by the federal government.

Here's the official announcement from my company, Bumpsypharma Laboratories:

10 April 2007 (Cape May, US)

American women's choice of birth control is now extended by PregoBloK®, an easy-to-use unique once-a-year contraceptive method that offers women a new way of protecting themselves against pregnancy. PregoBloK® is the first annual vaginal force field matrix for birth control. It will free women from the constraints of having to worry about their birth control on a daily or monthly basis, while providing them with a safe and effective method over which they remain in total control.

PregoBloK®, developed by Bumpsypharma Laboratories, uses the latest in drug delivery technology and represents the state-of-the-art in force field contraception. It consists of an invisible, odorless, and tasteless force field, which is inserted into the vagina. PregoBloK® achieves contraceptive efficacy by releasing bi-directional force waves evenly throughout the course of each day (24 hour period), thereby inhibiting ovulation and repelling sperm. Force waves enter the body through the vaginal wall and travel to the ovary where they exert their inhibitory effect. Force waves also enter the vagina where they startle sperm to death.

PregoBloK® is easily inserted and removed by a woman in the privacy of her own home. Once inserted, it should be left in place for one year. PregoBloK® should then be removed for one day before another force field is inserted. During the force field-free day, most women experience a withdrawal-bleed. In an on-line poll over 99% of women who have used PregoBloK® during its development rated insertion and removal as easy. Hey, it pays to have invented an invisible method of birth control.

In theory, PregoBloK's safety and efficacy are through the roof--no side effects and 100% protection against pregnancy. In practice, the safety and efficacy of PregoBloK® have not been studied extensively in worldwide clinical trials anywhere. No typical use data confirm that PregoBloK® is a highly effective contraceptive, offering comparable efficacy to that of modern combined oral contraceptives. Or any other known contraceptives for that matter.

PregoBloK® also provides total protection form HIV infection and other sexually transmitted infections, is very well-tolerated and highly acceptable to women and men alike. The continuation rates for PregoBloK® are wickedly awesome. We know this because that's what we believe and we're sticking with it.

PregoBloK® is backed by the full force of the federal government, and millions of your tax dollars. You can't get no higher endorsement than that.

Bumpsypharma Laboratories is a renowned global pharmaceutical company--mostly in its founder's mind--with a strong commitment to human health care. The company develops and produces innovative medicines for gynecology. Bumpsypharma Laboratories products are sold exclusively through this site, and countless pushcart vendors in over 153 countries. The company currently employs around 1 person. Bumpsypharma Laboratories is the human health care business unit of TWTP Blog Worldwide.


Here's the thing. A faux announcement about a method of birth control with an unknown typical use efficacy is funny. Spending half a billion dollars on "education" programs promoting a birth control method--abstinence--with an equally unknown real world efficacy, not so much.

Stay tuned for more on this topic.

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